you can’t spell, lesbion.

So one of my best friends (we’ll anonymously call her Hanna) and I have this running inside joke where we call each other lesbions. I want to start off first and foremost by saying I have absolutely nothing against lesbians or any member of the gay community, it is simply just because Hanna cannot spell lesbian correctly, and also doesn’t know her left from right. Anyway,  Hanna decided to delete her Facebook account. As you can imagine, HUGE DEAL. So I log onto my account the morning after to see that I had a bunch of comments made about my current status. A status that said:

“guys, im reeady now, ready to tell you that i am, in fact, a lesbion. and im real nervous about this, and might regret it in the morning so even if i try and say “just kidding” or “my fbook was hacked” dont belive me. i am a lesbion.”

I see this, think it’s pretty funny, and try and come up with a witty response to get back at her.

A few hours later I drive back to my mom’s house to drop off my dog before I go out of town. I was sort of in a hurry, and not really looking to chat. I was there for maybe 3 minutes before she goes “Listen, I don’t want to bring this up right before you leave, but we need to talk”. I sat down ready for her to tell me that I was financially cut-off, or maybe that the cat died. She says to me “Your cousin John in London called your Aunt Patty in Chicago who called me to tell me that you came out of the closet on Facebook last night.”

I looked at her in disbelief and laughed wondering if this was fucking serious. “Mom, I’m not a lesbian, that was Hanna who hacked onto my Facebook. Like, as a joke.”

She replies “Well now thanks to Hanna, your entire family from London to San Fransicso, to Baltimore, to Chicago ALL THINK YOU ARE A LESBIAN. And you know WHY your Aunt called me? To REACH OUT to me because her son, YOUR COUSIN, is gay too! She wanted to give me advice on how to deal with it.”

I was speechless. None of us even knew that my cousin was gay until this very moment.

This one moment where my Aunt confided to my mom under the pretense that they shared something, raising a homosexual child. Then my mother goes for a few minutes, saying that she just wants me to be happy, and it’s okay if I actually am gay. Again I told her that I was straight, but honestly I don’t think she believed me.

As I’m walking out the door my mom yells to me “I JUST HOPE WHEN YOU DO COME OUT OF THE CLOSET, YOU COME OUT WITH A LITTLE MORE GRACE.”

Thank you Hanna, I’m now the family lesbion who came out online. (21-year-old female from Philadelphia, PA)

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