Monthly Archives: April 2010

So I’m almost 22 years old and I’ve only just had the most embarrassing moment of my entire life.

My friend and I decided to go to this rap concert, Wale & K’naan if you’re familiar. So to prepare myself for this event I start chugging a box of Franzia before I leave my house.

After arriving at the venue and getting patted down, we head straight for the bar. After a few tequila shots and a couple of spendy beers, it was time to dance. I’m a dumb white girl and the friend I’m with is a nerdy Asian boy, so naturally we fit in. We head down into the crowds to wave our hands in the air awkwardly and shake our butts.

During a break between the two acts, I figure it’s a good time to go pee. I head to the bathroom to find a long line of ladies extending all the way into the lobby. All of a sudden it hits me like a ton of bricks, I really, really have to pee. And these bitches were taking way longer than normal. I’m doing the pee dance. My legs are all twisted inward, crossed, and I’m shifting back and forth. I start mapping out escape routes in my head. Running out the door into the city streets and urinating in a back alley was one idea.

So I’m about 3 girls away from the stall, when the fucking flood gates open. I’m standing there, in front of a ton of people, in a dress, pissing all over the floor. This wasn’t a little pee we’re talking about here, this was a “I’ve been drinking for 3 hours and haven’t broken the seal yet” kind of pee. The Queen of pees.

I was powerless, I had officially lost all control of my bladder. I don’t know what to do so I guess I started whispering, “Shit.. shit.. fuck.. oh my god… shit.”

The girl next to me in line obviously sees this happening, gets her ankles splashed and screams “EW! You been drinkin’ girl?” My response was to tell her I was the drunkest I have ever been (a lie to make it seem more acceptable… it’s still not acceptable though).

Onlookers are grossed out. The girl next to me tells me to go clean myself up. So I go in the stall and start drying my legs off, humiliated. I hear people splashing around in my urine outside the bathroom. I hear, “Gross, why’s there water all over the floor?” The girl who I thought totally had my back through this whole ordeal goes “Honey, dat ain’t water.” Fuck.

And also let me mention I went out to a bar afterward where I fell asleep, and I woke up the next morning with Connect Four game pieces stuck to my chest. 

— 21 y/o female from Philly, PA


I am a child of the 70s which means I was around before the internet, cell phones, personal computers, digital music, omnipresent coffee shops and incurable STD’s. Everyone smoked. Drinking and driving wasn’t so bad and the idea of black presidents or black quarterbacks was a myth Back then, making love was just holding hands and talking to someone. At least that is how the lyrics made it sound. There were no songs telling where to put my dick or music videos showing me. Back then it was a real milkshake that brought all the boys to the yard. To my young ears, makin’ love was just being a friend. So anyway my parents took me, an my unworldlyness, to an Al Green concert at a dinner theater (that’s right, a dinner theater) called the Latin Casino in NJ.  We ate chicken during the opening act and then he hit the stage. The show, the band, the hits and the whole production blew my young mind. I sat in a cigarette smoke haze as everyone grooved- it was so cool.  I have always been a person that never had much distance between a thought and action and as I looked over at my parents cheering, I had an idea. My thought was that everyone could use another friend. So action followed. I stood up and scampered through the darkness onto the stage, got right behind the bongo player and followed him backstage. I stayed right with him until he reached the dressing room that was full of people- mostly women -smoking funny smelling cigarettes. I stepped from behind the bongo’r who looked surprised as hell to see this Afro’d 8-year-old behind him, and said, “Mr. Green. My mother is your biggest fan and she wants to make love to you.” The room paused and Al Green looked at me with all of his 70s cool AlGreeness and said, “Well, where’s she at?” Innocently I said. “Stay right there I’ll get her” Thinking that I was going to make my mother happy because I found her a new friend, I found my parents who were worried about me and said, “I told Al Green that you want to make love to him and he’s waiting for you backstage so you better get back there” My parents looked and me and gave me the “my son is retarded” look, that I have seen so many times now, and laughed. — 44 y/o male from Philly, PA