your dog can’t win the talent show. it can only shit.

You know the scene in “My Dog Skip” where Skip runs onto the field and starts fucking with the pitcher and the people in the stands get a rise out of it because little league games are so fucking boring but little Jimmy whats-his-name gets totally pissed because Skip is embarrassing him so he hits Skip in the snout with his glove?

That happened to me except I was in my elementary school gym. My baseball game was the second grade pet show where my dog decided to shit dead center in a circle of my peers. The harder I pulled her away from her little show the more she shit. It was one huge, lumpy skid mark on my ego. Everyone thought it was hilarious. I think I just let go of her leash and ran past the massive horse Amelia Reed was showing off and towards the empty playground to hide.

We won one of those fake awards kids get when they don’t come in first, second or third. She got “the dog with the most bark” or some shit. Still I think we all know that’s not what she was remembered for.

— 22 y/o female from Philly, PA


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