Monthly Archives: December 2009

From age eight to probably 13 I was obsessed with Gwen Stefani. I thought she was so cool, and wanted to be exactly like her. Her trademark? the bindi. So one day while I’m rooting through my moms sewing drawer, I find a pretty silver sequin and decide to make my way into the kitchen cabinet to find some adhesive. The only thing I could locate was superglue. Needless to say, it hurt like hell coming off and left a big nice scab right between my eyes, which I went to school with for a week. 

— 23 y/o female from West Chester, PA


So my wife (girlfriend at the time) and I go to a beef and beer that is affectionately called the $5 drinkup. I am getting way hammered all night and the whole time she is warning me not to do anything stupid which I repeatedly ignore. The ride home is a total blur and I pass out immediately upon getting to her parents. I wake up to her  screaming at me and I look down and I am peeing on the pull out bed we’re sleeping in. Standing at the end of the bed and peeing. I pinch it off, run to the bathroom and finish. When I get back my pee spot on the bed has swelled to cover about 1/3 of the bed, which also happens to be a feather mattress topper and I had peed so much it is literally pouring off the bed onto the floor. Now we’re married.

— 27 y/o male from Philly, PA

You know the scene in “My Dog Skip” where Skip runs onto the field and starts fucking with the pitcher and the people in the stands get a rise out of it because little league games are so fucking boring but little Jimmy whats-his-name gets totally pissed because Skip is embarrassing him so he hits Skip in the snout with his glove?

That happened to me except I was in my elementary school gym. My baseball game was the second grade pet show where my dog decided to shit dead center in a circle of my peers. The harder I pulled her away from her little show the more she shit. It was one huge, lumpy skid mark on my ego. Everyone thought it was hilarious. I think I just let go of her leash and ran past the massive horse Amelia Reed was showing off and towards the empty playground to hide.

We won one of those fake awards kids get when they don’t come in first, second or third. She got “the dog with the most bark” or some shit. Still I think we all know that’s not what she was remembered for.

— 22 y/o female from Philly, PA

When I was young my best friend was a little bit evil. After a long rain she wanted to know who the “genius” was that piled sand into the bowels of her tire swing.

“I want to give a prize to whoever did it,” she said with a toothless, Punky Brewster grin. She knew damn well it was me but she wanted to hear me say it. I puffed my chest and exclaimed that I was the genius. I was seriously ready for my prize.
“You did?” she said and her voice began to turn.
“Why would you do that?! Now it’s filled with water and I can’t even sit in it… you better go over there and dig the sand out, stupid.”
Cold, wet, heavy sand. Grubby, muddy fingers when I was through. No prize. Genius.

— 22 y/o female from Philly, PA

I got ready very early and wore high heels that hurt my ankles. It was my second date with a guy I’d recently met. Everything went well at first. We sat down, made polite conversation, cracked jokes and ate spicy Thai food. The drive back home was fairly predictable. Once I got into his house, my whole head started to hurt. I blamed it on the cheap wine we drank.

Then I started feeling hot, so I blamed it on his broken air conditioner. Then I caught a glimpse of myself in his TV screen. I was as red as a tomato. Even worse, one side of my face was swelling up. My nose started to bulge. I looked like I’d turned into the red version of the Incredible Hulk.

Trying not to ruin the mood, I put my hood and my sunglasses on. It seemed like a good idea at the time. He noticed immediately that something was wrong. I tried to leave, but he was “worried” and wouldn’t let me.

Next thing I know, I was being shoved into a car and driven to the closest Ride Aid.

As soon as the pharmacist saw my face, she handed me Benadryl. I proceeded to down the whole bottle in the store. My swelling stopped. He called the next day to check up on me. I never called back.

— 21 y/o from Japan

I was seventeen and working at a local health food store. My job consisted of working the register and organizing shelves of organic nuts. And scoping out healthy boys. By my first week I targeted a young wannabe rockstar who worked with me. I told all my friends I worked with “the hottest guy ever,” and that I knew one day he would fall head over heels in love with me.

He spiked his hair, had tattoos and piercings, was in a loud band and smoked Camel Lights.
I started to lay my flirt game down on him hard. I’m talking sideways glances by the soy milk, batting my lashes over the healing crystals and of course displaying my pack of cigs when he walked by so he knew I was cool.

It took about 3 days of this before he asked me to go on a smoke break with him. I remember the day he gave me a copy of his band’s CD. I put it in my discman  and listened to him scream over banging drums. He was not talented but I was convinced he was.

A few months of swooning goes by and one day, as I was counting my drawer, he came into the room.
He said, “Hey, when you’re done could you meet me in the back hallway?”

“Uh, yeah,” I replied, “I guess I could do that.” WE’RE GOING TO MAKE OUT IN THE BATHROOM! is what I assumed. I hurried downstairs to meet him. And this happened:

He said, “Yeah so uh… you were at a bonfire last summer. Some kid’s who went to your high school.”

I said, “Oh yeah I was definitely there…I was so drunk! Why do you ask?”

He said,  “Because we hooked up.”

I said,  “Oh.”

He said, “Yeah. I knew you looked familiar.”

Sidenote: We eventually did it and he told everyone I farted during. I swear I didn’t.

— 21 y/o female from Philly, PA

French class was after lunch and we were learning about baguettes and limonade. I feel like pure shit. I had an awful belly ache, dizzyness and tunnel vision. I stood up to ask for a bathroom pass, which I was only permitted to do in french. I could barely put together sentences in my native tongue. Instead of  I just fell flat on the linoleum floor like timber.

When I came to Madame Bethem was watching over me nervously. So was half the class. She was in the middle of writing me a pass when I fell ON her and to the ground. She thought my friend pushed me and she yelled at her. She calls the nurse who came in with a wheelchair to scoot me through the hallway at the same time the 9th grade changed class.

After the nurse checked me out she had me lay on a bed in her office for about a half an hour. She sneaks off to  tellsthe principal she can smell the alcohol on my breath. He escorts me to my locker which he proceeded to raid, whole heartedly. He opened my Bath & Body Works Freesia body spray and sniffed it  to make sure it wasn’t vodka. I was 13-years-old.

— 21 y/o female from Philly, PA